Sadness

Time for a moment of real honesty. I’ve spent the last month pulling myself together and in the last week or so I have done a pretty good job at pretending to be “okay”. The truth is I am so very sad all of the time. I try, lord knows, I try not to be but in quiet moments like this when I am alone and I turn on my favorite internet radio station all of those emotions I have been holding at bay flood over me. As I sit here now sipping a glass of wine alone I realize that perhaps I am doing more harm than good by pretending to be okay. After all, that emotion has to go somewhere and I have the feeling that sooner rather than later I will explode. How do I become okay instead of just pretending to be? I wish I knew.

It is hard to believe that it has already been a month since we lost Maggie to stillbirth. In some ways it feels like it’s been years. I have boxed away the frames that held her ultrasounds and her christening bear as well as other knickknacks that were for her nursery. I returned most of the things that I had bought for her but there are still some things tucked away here and there. I had so many hopes that were tied up in that little angel that I am having a very hard time figuring out how to move on.

For now I am going to sit here and finish this glass of wine and cry in peace and somehow I will find the strength to pull myself back together before anyone else gets home.

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