I can’t get them under control tonight. I know what the issue is and I know what I need to do and believe me I am trying but tonight all of my frustration is pouring out. I hate to cry. I cry a lot lately at the drop of a hat. I actually went to a doctor and asked for meds to help get this under control, but there is only so much medication can do. I have had a lot of ups and downs lately but right now I feel broken and I snapped over a little thing. Of course it is always a little thing when we are holding so much inside, isn’t it?
I’m frustrated and I’m hurting and need to talk to the man I love about it. I’ve been told when your ready Sam all you have to do is talk to me. I love you. Just talk to me. I’ve tried, a few times. Anytime I open mouth to try to talk to the one person in the world who should need to talk to me, need to hear what’s on my heart I am either bothering him, it’s not the right time, and my personal favorite “I can talk to you any way I want to when you cry like a five-year old”. Well, okay so he’s hurting too and doesn’t know how to express it. I get that. Dealing with me hasn’t been easy, I get that too. The thing is…I need some kind of sign, soon, that I am loved, needed and wanted before I completely lose my mind. Those jokes about a vacation in the psych ward where they let no one bother you and bring you drugs and let you have art classes? Those don’t feel like jokes anymore.
I need to figure out a better way to communicate to him what I need just as well as he needs to acknowledge what he needs because right now no matter how much we love each other we are hurting each other.
It feels good to have that out of my head, now maybe just MAYBE I can get my class assignment finished in the next hour.