Despite Everything

Here I am again. I have been quiet here on my blog because I like to think things through before they end up here. The same can not be said for facebook as many of you well know. Life has been rough the last year and it’s not over yet, but I had a conversation with one of my dearest friends that made me think. Usually when bad things happen I shut down. As mom and I have often put it “I put my running shoes on”. This isn’t something I can run from. Another friend asked me; “Sam, I know that you believe but how can your God be so loving and just to keep putting your through such total hell. It just isn’t fair.” My answer is this. I don’t know. I know, I don’t like it either and I REALLY don’t understand it and yes my faith and my hope are both on shaky ground. I am a person who questions everything and has made a lot of mistakes, I have sins a country mile long and I have asked for my fair share of forgiveness and probably yours too. Truth be told I am very angry. You heard me ANGRY. I have raged, I have screamed and cried, I have thrown large box fans at the man I love and yes I have seen the nice lady for some medicines that have only sort of helped. This is not the life that I had planned. I understand that God had my path chosen long before I could make my own choices but why must I live all this pain? I am 31 years old this can’t possibly be it. I know people have it worse. There is death, and destruction so much more suffering and pain. There are natural disasters all around us and people losing their homes at a rate of 1 family every 4 minutes in Texas wildfires alone! Pure hell that I can’t imagine, but you know what? This is hell to me. Forget anything else, my child was stillborn. My baby girl. My Maggie whom I had chosen to be named after my grandma who I miss so much my heartaches. Yes, that is a lot of me, my and I..but so what? That happened to ME…and to Jason and to those who love me, but I carried her. I felted her move and I failed to realize her heart stopped beating. Me. Why is that okay? I have questions and one day I will stand before my God and demand those answers. That day might come sooner than I think but you better believe I will fight. The Lord might demand answers of me, but I will say “you first” with all the love and respect that I can muster. I will pray that he will understand that response just a my mom would because she knows me so well so should my creator. Is that blasphemy? I pray that it isn’t.