The Power Of Our Senses

I didn’t want my picture taken because I was going to cry.  I didn’t know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I’d cry for a week.  I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full.  ~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, Chapter 9

This passage says it best. I feel like I am on the brink of tears all the time. I identify with every word. No matter what I do I just can’t pull myself together. I close my eyes and I can feel my child in my arms. I wake up in the middle of the night because I hear a baby crying. There is no baby. I can smell that new baby smell mixed with that soft skin and that slight smell of sour milk. There is no baby, so why are my senses failing me so? Am I losing my mind? My body betrayed me is the mind now following suite? Should I be telling my psych doctor to put her script pad away and start writing those admit orders? I just don’t know anymore. Sometimes it seems like it’s too much just to open my eyes and face the day but I do it because I know I must. I am doing the work, I am not laying down and giving up but I have to tell you…I one more person tells me how strong I am or that God won’t give me more than I can handle….I may very well lay them out.