“It shouldn’t be so hard to keep it together
It shouldn’t be so hard to say the right things to you
It shouldn’t be so hard just to be effortlessly”

Those are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs Effortlessly by Sister Hazel. Music is where I turn when nothing else makes sense and this song really speaks to me. It should not be so hard for to do simple things like communicate and yet most days I feel like no one can hear me. I don’t speak up for myself often but when I do it’s explosive. This blog serves as a way for me to make sense of how I feel but for the most part for all of my outspoken ways I do not stand up for myself as much as I should in my personal relationships.

I did speak up for myself, but I don’t feel any better about it because the words were spoken in anger. It doesn’t do us any good to stand up for what we believe in if we are shouting and crying and overall just not thinking clearly. Yes, I said some things that needed to be said but I did not say them in the way they needed to be said and that certainly does make a difference. Things have been hard and we have both been through so much but at some point it would be nice if I could stop shouldering all the pain and all the blame. I don’t even know who I am anymore but I really miss that girl who was so happy just three years ago. The one with the radiant smile. I want to be her again not this faded person with no color who can do nothing but sit here and cry.