Here Come The Holiday’s

Six and a half weeks until Christmas and I am in pure denial. I would love to just close my eyes and wake up on January 2nd when the holiday season is officially over. I once loved the holiday’s. Growing up Thanksgiving was my favorite because it was all about family and my mom’s awesome casserole’s. My family was always so blessed and we never had a hard time finding things to be thankful for. As an adult I try to hide from the holiday’s as much as possible. Especially since we lost grandma and grandpa and I moved so far away from my family. There was a time when instead of writing this blog I would be looking for cool new pie recipes to try for Thanksgiving and soon after that I would be elbows deep in making cookies and fudge. AHHH but I never did duplicate those peanut butter chocolate rum ball things that somehow showed up when I was a teenager.

There are endless happy memories from my childhood and my early adulthood but I just can’t bring myself to go home for the holiday’s like I know I should do. It’s been so long since I’ve spent any time with my mom and  the last time I saw my baby sister she was just barely 15 year old. That same little girl just turned 18 and is such an amazing young woman. I have so much to catch up with her. It isn’t that I don’t want to go back home and visit. I do, but it’s the same thing that stops me from calling my mom the way I did while I was pregnant. I don’t know how to put it to words but the best that I can say is that I am just not “right” since Maggie so brutally left this world. All of my hopes and dreams were wrapped up in that precious angel whom Jason and I had chosen to name after our grandmothers and our mom’s who happen to have the same first and middle names. (What are the odds of that?)  Margaret MaryAnn, I lost so much of me when she was taken from us and I am still trying to find a way to move on. I still can’t see a future without her in it. There are those who think I should be “over this” already and who are tired of hearing about it. Those people break my heart in so many ways, but there are people in this world who can’t understand this kind of devastation. I like to imagine she will be spending her first holiday’s in heaven with her great-grandparents. I can picture my grandmother holding my angel, much like she held me all my life, but that brings me very little peace.