Late Night Reflections
I realize that I have been blogging a lot more lately and I’m not real sure why. I suppose I finally feel like I have something to say. I haven’t been sleeping much the last couple of weeks. I manage to sleep pretty good for about 4 hours and then so unknown “something” causes me to pop wide awake. I have started a dream log because I have been having some of the most unusual dreams. This is even more unusual because I usually can’t remember my dreams unless they are nightmares. Maybe my psyche is working on repairing itself. Something another angel mom wrote resonated so strongly with me and that is that stillbirth changes you. I am not the same person I was before and nor should I be. My hope is that it won’t always be a negative change. There are positive things in my life that I am very thankful for but it all seems so insignificant. I’ve come to realize that I am progressing (however slowly) through the stages of grief. Seeing someone else with a baby doesn’t hurt me like it does some people who have gone through this and neither does seeing a pregnant woman. The baby makes me smile, always without fail and the pregnant woman? I have to restrain myself from grabbing her and warning her that it could all be taken away in a split second. What does hurt me are some of the things that “well-meaning” people say to me. It wasn’t meant to be. God has another plan. Don’t worry you are still young you have plenty of time. That last one…really gets under my skin. No, it makes me down right violent inside. If Maggie had been born and we lost her a few months after her birth would those people still think she could be replaced by another pregnancy? Oh yeah and P.S. I am 31 years old…that clock is ticking and I am nowhere near ready to go down that road again.
Don’t let the tone of this posting fool you. I am not blogging because I am upset. Even as I type those words up there I am not shedding one tear as I usually would be. I am just reflecting. I am enjoying the quietness of the night and I am wondering when or even if I will ever be able to write anything significant again that has nothing to do with stillbirth or the huge hole it has left within me. When I stared this post my intent was to blog about my number of postings this month and my quiet house. Maybe next time, for now….sleep.