Surviving Christmas

I handled Christmas a lot better than Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving, I pretty much hid from the world and slept through it. I didn’t talk to anyone and I pretty much cried all day thinking about how it would have been my sweet angel’s first Thanksgiving.

Christmas went a lot differently. First of all I didn’t spend the day in tears. I did however need my anxiety meds, but hey I’m not working miracles over here…I am just trying to survive. Not only did I go to a family dinner with several young children running around, but I also held the sweetest baby boy who was the same age that Maggie would be had she still been here. It was his first Christmas. I held him and all I could think about was my little angel in heaven. I didn’t cry. I wasn’t sad. Holding him made me smile. If for only a few precious minutes my empty arms felt full. That is better than any other gift that could be bought for me. I didn’t cry on Christmas day because I felt God’s grace in a way I didn’t think I was capable of anymore. However, as I write this there are tears streaming. I am grateful to God and angry at him all at the same time, but it was nice for just a little while to feel like a normal person again. The only problem is now I feel empty.