I have tried to blog several times over the last week or so and as I sit here yet again I find myself reluctant to type and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I am sad and I don’t want to spread that negativity around, but then I have to remember that the biggest reason I blog is for my own sanity. It isn’t really that I have anything profound to say or anything that I need to get out of my head I am just always so deeply sad. Lord knows I try not to be. It may not seem like it but I do try to be happy. Sometimes I even do a good job of pretending and for a short time I laugh and I forget all of the sadness that surrounds me….BUT THEN, oh yes there is always a but then, some little trigger goes off and I break down without warning. It can be as simple as not being able to find a clean sheet or a friend innocently suggesting that I should try to move on and not be so sad all the time. I do hold an awful lot inside and I know that isn’t good, but there is so much I don’t have any control over. I should at least be able to control my own mind, right?
So again I cry. I cry because I am angry. I cry because I am sad and I cry because all I really wanted was a clean sheet and I can’t understand why that has to be such a big deal. Some people are tired of seeing me cry and they are tired of hearing the same old song that I am dying inside because my beautiful daughter, Maggie, was stillborn on February 17, 2011. Why am I still crying? Why can’t I just move on? I have been sad for far too long and I am trying so hard to keep my faith. I am trying so hard to know that better days are coming, but sometimes, like now, I don’t know if I can hang on long enough for those better days to come. Everything is a fight and I am just so tired.