I am a Terrible Person

Someone very near and dear to me and whom I wish nothing but happiness had her baby boy February 9th. I went with her to her 35 week OB appointment because there was some concern about the baby being in distress. After some discussion it was decided it was time to deliver Rylan Dean via C-section and I was blessed enough to be able to be there with Melissa as she met him for the first time. Rylan is in the NICU weighing in at 3 pounds 7 ounces and 16 1/2 inches long, but he is doing very well. I have been trying so hard her whole pregnancy to be a good friend and I will be honest when I tell you I didn’t always succeed. Sometimes, I broke down because I was so jealous of everything she was complaining about, but I was able to be there for her when it was the most important. A good cry and a pep talk from my mom an hour before the surgery helped more than I can say. As much as I have felt angry at God since he took my Maggie, as Melissa laid there on the operating table holding my hand and I listened to the doctor work, I found myself praying. Dear God, please be with this doctor. Guide her hand and gently bring Rylan into the world. Oh God please don’t let anything happen to either of them. Over and Over I prayed while trying not to fall apart. Once we heard that first cry, so loud, so strong…it was the sweetest sound I had ever heard. Later, I allowed myself to take a step back once her family and work friends came to visit.

The reason I feel like a terrible person? Because tonight she needed me to be her friend and I couldn’t. Oh God please forgive me I just couldn’t help her through what I know to be the hormone flux, and I know the risks of PPD. I was selfish in telling her I couldn’t talk to her and that I needed to take a step back. The truth is I hate myself because I am so jealous. I don’t want to do anything to take away from her happiness of course she is so in love with him and of course she is happy beyond words. I know that the main reason she is sad is because she has to go back to her hospital room on another floor and leave him in the NICU, but all I could think of is…DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT SAD when all you have to do is take an elevator to see your child.

I’m so sorry. Please forgive me, but I just don’t know how not to feel this way and this isn’t anyone’s fault. It’s something I have to work through but I feel so broken. My heart hurts more than words can say.