Forever Changed…I Am. Music and Poetry.

I heard this song for the first time today and stopped in my tracks: Forever Changed performed by Carried Underwood.

This is a description I have often used to explain life after stillbirth: Forever Changed.

She remembers the change in her body
The blooming within
And how her heart seemed to flutter with the wind
Then one night as the days grew longer
That Indian summer
She brought love into the world
Cried and held me then

Except, I didn’t bring love into the world, love was taken from mine. That realization really makes me angry. Those words do not even seem adequate. It makes me scream. It makes me cry. It makes me feel violent inside.

…And it makes me feel so alone.

Not long ago I wrote about the loss of my creativity since stillbirth touched my life. A couple of days later this poem was produced. I thought when I finally got something out it would feel better, but all I wanted was to close that damn back up.

I am sick at heart
but I go on.
I am happy and I am sad.
I am angry and I am melancholy.
I am a grieving mother.

I am bright and I am dark.
There are times when I cannot stop the screams,
and there are other times when I don’t utter a sound.
I am the girl left behind.
I am a grieving mother.

I feel too much and I cannot understand how he feels nothing.
I am too afraid to ask.
Too afraid to rock the boat.
Instead I hide.
I am a grieving mother.
Forever Changed.