Confessions

I’ve sat here staring at a blank page for a while. I have something to say, but i struggle with how much honesty I am ready to cast out into cyberland. I know that must seem ridiculous to those who know me as the girl who shares it all. What could possibly give me such a pause? Struggles in love and war of course. I can throw everything else out there, but with I feel like I have to be careful. Words matter you know. Someone told me recently that “it’s just talk, it doesn’t matter” and all I can do is shake my head as I really consider what a phrase like that means. Your words have more power than so many of us give credit for.

My trust has been betrayed: again.  Most would have walked away 3 years ago. I cannot believe it has been that long since I came face to face with the fact that the love of my life fucked Jayme behind my back for years. Guess what I came face to face with on Christmas Eve? The emotional portion of their “affair” is going strong. If I were to believe it’s all words, not actions (I do not) that doesn’t make it any better. I think that’s worse. I’ve been asked again to listen, to believe it isn’t what it seems, to ignore my gut and above all else to not give up. I’m ready to walk away. I’m calm. Why am I still sitting in this house with him? His children are here. He broke his daughter’s heart tonight involving her when it became clear I was on my way out the door. I have done everything to protect her and he stood there unmoving are she cried. Stood there and told her he will make sure no court allows me near her. I said I’m taking her with me for the night and he threatened to call the police. Do I love him? absolutely, but make no mistake he is not the reason I am sitting here right now. So there are some things to resolve with the children who are in my care on their winter vacation.

I’m told I betrayed him by looking at his computer when I said I wouldn’t again. My gut spoke to me and I sat down at it Christmas Eve and my mind was blown because I had been trusting him. I had been convinced he changed (he still says he has changed and is changing and that I shouldn’t give up on him). He does not believe the fact that I found what I did means he has done anything wrong. If I was really petty I would include screen shots…they are interesting reading. Gonna write that book soon, I swear I am. Make lots of money on my broken heart.

So here I sit wishing to God I had to money to go home to Florida and figure out what comes next. Here i sit loving children who are not mine MORE than their father does. How much else can I give? I gave it all. I changed things about myself that were wrong, I’ve battled back from a heroin overdose…all a justification of why he does what he does of course. What comes next? Forgiveness? More chances? No. No. No. No. NO. I guess the answer to how much I am willing to put out there is everything. Raw and uncut whether it is a wise thing to do or not….here it all is.

Advertisements