Cheating is more than a sexual act. It is the kind of action that not only destroys trust, but a perspective on love, and that is where the root of all my anger resides. I have no idea what is going on in his head because I walk around so angry because he thinks life can go on as normal after such a betrayal. I honestly don’t know where we go from here. I’m planning a trip to my moms in Florida to see my family and hopefully gain a bit of perspective. This of course is a fight. He is afraid to let me go alone, because he fears I won’t come back. Maryland is my home even if there is no more “Jason and Sam”. I don’t know where we go from here, but I do know that it definitely cannot be business as usual. There are many harsh realities that we still need to face, but to him this is now resolved and in the past so I cannot bring anything up without a fight. Simply because I didn’t pack my shit and immediately leave our life behind me does NOT mean this is resolved.
I long for a love that is built on trust, honesty, and loyalty, I crave a kind of love that I don’t have to question. I used to think that he could give me that even though I walked into this relationship 7 years ago knowing exactly who he was. The problem is I am human and I fooled myself into believing he loved me enough to be the type of man I needed. Despite everything that has happened I still have to remind myself that he doesn’t deserve this life anymore. I cannot figure out if I am being brave or foolish in the way I am choosing to handle this. The fact is I loved the life I thought we were building together and I am having a hard time letting go. I know the life we had was just another of his big lies, but my heart just can’t let go yet. Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks on it. I’m half alive but I feel mostly dead, I try to tell myself it will all work out even though our future is so uncertain.